All of a sudden today, tonight, I’m feeling depressed, and I need to feel Not depressed, like Now.  I don’t need my kids to see me like this and wonder why and start asking questions I can’t answer.  I’m having a hard enough time trying to hold all of this stuff in for so long.

I finally had the colposcopy yesterday.  It was really difficult.  Apparently I have a lot of scar tissue on my cervix from my c-sections and it blocked the doctor’s view of my cervix.  She said my prior endometriosis also caused my uterus to tip backward.  I already knew it was tipped but didn’t know why.  All of this stuff made positioning the speculum and scope much more difficult (they had to take everything out and retry 3 times before they finally got it right and let me tell you it was not fun).

The doctor saw some “white” areas of concern so she biopsied two of those areas.  She told me I have a condition called ASCUS which stands for Atypical Squamous Cells of Undetermined Significance.  She said they may be caused by HPV or they could be something of greater concern.  We will know when we get the biopsy results in about two weeks.  If the results are good I will have to repeat the PAP in 4 - 6 months.  If they are not good we will take it from there.  In the meantime I try to put it out of my head and not think about it, same as I’ve done since April when I first found out the PAP was abnormal.

And my day was pretty good today, nothing bad happened, maybe I forgot to take my anti-depressant… yeah I think that WAS it.  DUH!  Well I’m gonna go take my pill now… hey better late than never if it works.